Managers

Once during a Management training program, a team of Senior Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So these Managers went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.

They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers, re-erects the flagpole and walks straight-away.

After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs …

"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!"


Moral : No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you.

6 hilarious affairs!

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf .. again !'

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, '! Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied,
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend!'
'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Want some motivation. try reading this quotes

1. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.
- Aristotle

2. The best way out is always through.
- Robert Frost

3. Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.
- William B. Sprague

4. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
- Albert Einstein

5. Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.
- Henry Ford

6. I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.
- Oprah Winfrey

7. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
- Michael Jordan

8. You must be the change you want to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi

9. What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.
- Goethe

10. You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.
- Zig Ziglar

11. Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
- Mahatma Gandhi

12. Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.
- Napoleon Hill

13. Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.
- Truman Capote

14. Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare.
- Japanese Proverb

15. In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.
- Theodore Roosevelt

16. If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.
- Isaac B. Singer

17. Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well.
- Unknown

18. Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down.
- Charles F. Kettering, Engineer and Inventor

19. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain

20. Losers visualize the penalties of failure. Winners visualize the rewards of success.
- Unknown

21. Some succeed because they are destined. Some succeed because they are determined.
- Unknown

22. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
- Dan Stanford

23. Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.
- Albert Einstein

24. A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
- Hugh Downs

25. If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.
- Marie Osmond

26. Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.
- Roy Goodman

27. If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.
- E. Joseph Cossman

28. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

29. We judge of man's wisdom by his hope.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

30. The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
- Mark Twain

31. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- Mark Twain

32. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain

33. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
- Mark Twain

34. The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed.
- Richard B. Sheridan

35. Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."
- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

36. "Act or accept."
- Unanonymous

37. Many great ideas go unexecuted, and many great executioners are without ideas. One without the other is worthless.
- Tim Blixseth

38. The world is more malleable than you think and it's waiting for you to hammer it into shape.
- Bono

39. Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.
- Dr Phil

40. Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.
- Stephen R. Covey

41. People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.
- Norman Vincent Peale

42. Whenever you find whole world against you just turn around and lead the world.
- Anonymous

43. Being defeated is only a temporary condition; giving up is what makes it permanent.
- Marilyn vos Savant, Author and Advice Columnist

44. I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened by old ones.
- John Cage

45. Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.
- Albert Einstein

46. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
- Unknown

47. The best way to predict the future is to create it.
- Unknown

48. Anyone can do something when they WANT to do it. Really successful people do things when they don't want to do it.
- Dr. Phil

49. There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
- Dr. Denis Waitley

50. Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.
- Sir Winston Churchill

51. Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes but don't quit.
- Conrad Hilton

52. Attitudes are contagious. Make yours worth catching.
- Unknown

53. Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
- John Wooden

54. There are only two rules for being successful. One, figure out exactly what you want to do, and two, do it.
- Mario Cuomo

55. Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can.
- Richard Bach

56. Vision doesn't usually come as a lightening bolt. Rather it comes as a slow crystallization of life challenges that we one day recognize as a beautiful diamond with great value to ourselves and others.
- Dr. Michael Norwood

57. Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success.
- Dr. Joyce Brothers

58. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
- Samuel Beckett

59. Flops are a part of life's menu and I've never been a girl to miss out on any of the courses.
- Rosalind Russell

60. Cause Change & Lead
Accept Change & Survive
Resist Change & Die

- Ray Norda, Chairman, Novell

61. Winners lose much more often than losers. So if you keep losing but you're still trying, keep it up! You're right on track.
- Matthew Keith Groves

62. An idea can turn to dust or magic, depending on the talent that rubs against it.
- Bill Bernbach

63. An obstacle is often a stepping stone.
- Prescott

64. Life is "trying things to see if they work"
Ray Bradbury

65. If you worry about yesterday's failures, then today's successes will be few.
Anonymous

66. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.
Dennis P. Kimbro

67. We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

68. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

69. In matters of style, swim with the current;
in matters of principle, stand like a rock.
Thomas Jefferson

70. I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.
Albert Einstein

71. Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great.
Machiavelli.

72. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
Mahatma Gandhi

73. "You are what you think about all day long." -- Dr. Robert Schuller

74. What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say" -- Ralph Waldo Emerson"

75. “Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.”
Booker T. Washington

76. "Talent is formed in solitude, character in the bustle of the world."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

77. “To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”
- Elbert Hubbard

78. If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.
- J.M. Power

79. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day
- Robert Frost

80. “I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”
- Maya Angelou

81. “The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”
- William James

82. “When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'”
- Sydney Harris

83. “Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.”
- Richard L. Evans

84. “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.”
- Robert Frost

85. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.”
- Eleanor Roosevelt

86. Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
- Seneca

87. Do first things first, and second things not at all.
- Peter Drucker.

88. The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders.
- Foster's Law

89. Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it.
- Joe Clark

90. I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
- Winston Churchill

91. Positive anything is better than negative thinking.
- Elbert Hubbard

92. People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

93. Those who wish to sing, always find a song.
- Swedish Proverb

94. If you're going through hell, keep going.
- Winston Churchill

95. The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

96. Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.
- Voltaire

97. Enduring habits I hate.... Yes, at the very bottom of my soul I feel grateful to all my misery and bouts of sickness and everything about me that is imperfect, because this sort of thing leaves me with a hundred backdoors through which I can escape from enduring habits.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882

98. There is no education like adversity.
- Disraeli

99. He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

100. Adversity introduces a man to himself.
- Author Unknown

Mine fav is 7. What's yours? Comment.

Play with words

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

BARA THEDA
When you rearrange the letters:
ARAB DEATH

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Test your IQ

Here is a puzzle for you

Imagine you are in Hwange.

You have been tied hanging on a tree with

a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and

the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.

Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to

help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW

the candle out. How do you do that?

Scroll down for answer...

...

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...

...

...

...

...

...

Sing Happy Birthday.

How is that?

NOW STOP TAKING LIFE SO SERIOUS!!!!!

Man without arm

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?"

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He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

Johnny Series Begins

Technorati Tags: 2BFunny , Johnny

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"